Grasshopper Saga: The Conclusion

…kksssshhhhh…sssshhhhh…I know not very much time has passed since I made the last post but quite a bit has happened.  I have to admit that I’ve really been overreacting to all this.  What?  Oh no, I’m not being held captive by Grasshoppers anymore.  Actually we all sat down and ironed out a lot of our differences.

I’ve even been given a job in their growing Grasshopper corporation, known as OCP,, in the Security Concepts division.  There have been some really positive changes in my life over the past two days.  I’m really turning things around.  My coworkers and I have all had a pretty good laugh at my panicky, desperate rants this past week

^Jim works with me at the Security Concepts division

So anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know everything’s fi…what?  Inconsistent?  I’m not being incon….OH!  Right.  God, I forgot all about the Gloria thing.  Sorry.  I’ve just been having such a great time at this wonderful company.  Um, yeah, Gloria.  Well it turns out that Gloria had sex with the leader of the grand Grasshopper Race (and later built a monument to a grasshopper’s sexual organs) and the grasshopper gave birth to the new God (the old one got shot through the neck, if you don’t remember) and it was Gloria and the grasshopper leader who, while lying in bed smoking a cigarette after hot sex, thought it would be funny to change up the old Moses’ Law thing and try something new.  Gloria named it ‘Christianity’ after his favorite movie character, Fletcher Christian

Pretty soon it got kind of out of hand when Jesus was crucified and all that.  They felt kind of bad about it, really.  That’s why the Grasshoppers started this company

to kind of make up for Jesus’ death and the Crusades and Catholic pedophiles and all that by providing quality products at reasonable prices.

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Altar of Burnt Panda

…kkssshhh…Well to make a long story short, I drove the bike a ways, there was a crazy chase scene involving those birdmen on motorcycles from “The Wiz”

Then I made it to the giant bamboo stalk only to realize it wasn’t a bamboo stalk at all.  It was spiral staircase leading upwards towards the sky as far as the eye could see.  And what did I see?  Gloria, running up those stairs as fast as he could.  I didn’t see the panda people at first.  Then I noticed the smell.  Then the altar.  And the charred human flesh mixed with synthetic panda fur.  And I put two and two together.  Gloria sacrificed them at the altar to the Evil Ant Race.  And God had already been assassinated (he was shot through the neck by an arrow).  That could only mean one thing.  He was on his way to finish the heir to the heavenly throne:

I had to stop him.  Once God and Jesus were out of the way, the Evil Ants could finally take…over…BAH!  I can’t lie anymore!  It wasn’t the ants.  The ants were framed.  It was, and has always been, the GRASSHOPPERS!

The truth is I’m being held in the Grasshopper Headquarters and they’re monitoring what I say.  I’m probably going to be cut off so whatever you do don’t…….ksssshhhhhhh……

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God’s Motorcycle

…….kkssshhhh…..So as I was saying Gloria drove past and he had three people with him.  I couldn’t see their faces but they were all wearing panda bear costumes.

I knew, toting those panda bears, where he must be headed.  You see off on the horizon you could just make out a giant bamboo stalk (obviously crudely sculpted, but I’m guessing the pandas didn’t know that).  The only problem was that I had no way of catching up to them.  That is until I got a little help from someone you might know:

God!  That’s right.  God landed right next to me with a *thud*.  I said “God?  I didn’t expect you here.”  And he, suprisingly enough, said to me: “Neither did I.  I don’t know what you’ve heard, but the truth is-” ZZZZZIIIIIIIIIP!  That’s all God got to say before an arrow came out of nowhere and pierced him right through the throat!

arrow ^

At this point I’m freaking out.  Than I heard a low rumbling and ran over the dune to my left to find God’s motorcycle, still running.

I got on that thing and blasted off (it flew) toward the giant bamboo thing. And you won’t even believe what happened next….kksssshhhh…….

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I’ve Got Crow Quill Fever

I still suck with this new pen.  But.  From the few pretty good lines I manage on the page I can see clearly that it looks better than what I’ve been doing.  So…I don’t know.  Basically I might have to eventually go back and redo the pages I’ve already done.  It’s a bitch, but it could be worth it.  I need much more practice though.  I’m going to start using the pen on the pages I’ve already sketched out.  I’ll probably destroy them and have to do them over and over, but again, I think it’ll be worth it.

Gold and Blue and Gray

I don’t know about this rap though.  I think I did pretty well on it the first time.  Ah who am I kidding.  I’m just scared of all the hard work.  But I’m gonna do it.  Anyway, I……kkssssshhhhh……ssshhhh….(static and feedback and whatnot)..

…ssshhhhh….Monteclaire here.  There should be less static this week as I have a direct connection now.  How’d I get a direct connection?  Uh….um, nevermind.  I just did, okay?  Listen, I’ve got lots of new inside information on the Ant takeover.  They have…what?  What do I mean “Ant”takeover?  Well…I was wrong about the Grasshoppers is all.  They are all peace-loving and….no, I don’t think I’m being contradictory.  Hey, how about you stop interrupting me and I get on with this, huh?  I’ve got a lot to say and a short span of time in which to say it.

Now, like I said a while back, I traveled through a portal in a giant condom billboard to the distant past when Jesus was born.  But what you didn’t hear was that this Jesus isn’t the Jesus you’re thinking about.

what you’re thinking about ^

You see, the name Jesus was actually really common back then.  It was like….Bob or…Isabald today.  Everybody’s got those names.  So what’s the big deal about this Jesus that I met being born?  Nothing really.  It was just a good way of letting you know about what time period I was in.  Don’t take everything so literally.  Jeez.  Anyway, I awoke with a start on top of a sandy dune in the desert.  I was sure I was going to die.  There was nothing in sight for miles in any direction.

Just then, a car went driving by.  Yes.  A car.  And who was driving?  Gloria.  That little bastard.  You remember that “vacation” he went on some time ago to the desert?  And then he came back smelling of booze and acting like he was just on a drug binge in someone’s back yard for a few weeks?

the picture from Gloria’s vacation in the 80’s ^  (he returned there on this last vacation)

I know this is all a bit much to take in all at once, so I’ll let that sink in for now.  Just remember:

Gloria wasn’t on a vacation when all that took place.  He was IN THE PAST!!!…kkssshhhhhh

past^

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Haha, hehe…hmph…pt 2

aaand here:

Gold and Blue and Gray

And yes, that is a gangsta rap by the Spanish Inquisition.  Now that we’re good and caught up we can get back to business.  Namely, the very important and serious business of….kkssshhhhh…ssshhhh..whhiiirrrr (feedback, static)…

…kkssshhhh…hello?…hello, is this…kkssshhhhh…this is the leader of the Ant Empire.  You are being deceived by the vile Grasshoppers. They are not the chosen race.  Not by a long shot.  WE ARE!!!!!!  You people, you must decide.  Soon Monteclaire will jack into this frequency and feed you false information.  He is still under the Grasshoppers’ control!  Do not be taken in!..kkssshhhhh….Decide or die!

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Quotable Note Cards

Um.  I came to conclusion that I should in fact not update today but tomorrow.  Why, you ask?  Because I fucked up and forgot my flash drive?  Yes.  This is the reason.  I’m sitting here in a bookstore next to some horrible quotable cards.  Like this one here says….kkksssshhhhh……

…sssshhhhhhh (static feedback)….You will not believe what I’ve been through in the past week.  This is Monteclaire with the latest update on the how and why of Gloria’s involvement with the creation of Christianity.  I can’t even describe…you ever read that one part of the Bible, uh, Revelations?  You know with lions with 20 heads holding 40 candles hovering above a black hole or some stuff like that?  And then like, that part of “2001: A Space Odyssey” at the end when colors and shit are flying by and you see the creation of the universe then settle in a room that sort of represents man’s accomplishments or something and then the guy turns into an immortal fetus?  Seriously, for a second there I’m pretty sure I was an immortal fetus.

I have the answer.  I know who Gloria is and why grasshoppers seem so keen to take over the world and why I look like Black Jesus (did I mention I look like Black Jesus?)

But…I can’t tell you.  Not yet.  It’s too extraordinary to just say in a few sentences.  So I’ll be taking over the blog for one whole week to describe the amazing ride on which I have just been.  And at the end of the week, you will know the truth.  Keep watching the stars….Monteclaire out…….

…kkksssshhhhh….and the last one says “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.”  Lame.

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Jesus Condoms

Gold and Blue and Gray

Kkkkkssssshhhhhhh…….ssshhhhh (static feedback) bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….

…kksssshhh….is Isabald Monteclaire.  I don’t know if you can hear me, but I don’t have much time.  Whoever is receiving me, you have to find help.  I’m trapped in the past.  I’ve spent the last few weeks tracking down information on a friend of mine, Gloria Farmer.  If you know Gloria, then…stay away from him.  He’s dangerous.  There’s something you don’t know about him.  I don’t have time to explain all the details.  What I need you to do is to go to New Mexico.  When you get there drive way out to the middle of the desert.

There will be a decrepit old billboard advertising recycled condoms.  Climb up it and make your way to the back of the structure.  Just behind the dangling rubber on the other side is a portal into the year 4 B.C.  The year Jesus was born.  Yes, I’m aware of the irony of the portal to the place in time of Jesus’ birth by his virgin mother being directly behind a dangling condom, but I need you to focus.  Once you get there, you have to….KKKSSSSHHHHHHH…oh no, I’m breaking up…kkkssshhh…look, just…ssshhhhhh…and….sssshhhhhhh….avoid the grasshoppers….ssshhhhhh…they’re taking over…sshhhhhhhh…I’ll try to contact you again….ssshhhhh…f I’m still alive, that is….onteclaire out……

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What Has That Crabs-Infested Leech Been Saying About Me?

Seriously.  This has got to stop.  I’ve had it up to here.  I’m on my last nerve.  I’m done.  Finite.  It’s over.  That’s the last straw.

I’m talking about Monteclaire, by the way.

Gold and Blue and Gray

There’s just only so much I can take.  15 people!  That’s how many have started following me wherever I go!  I mean, most people would be freaked out by 1 stalker, m i right?  Well I confronted one of these 15 weirdos and you know what they told me?  “We follow the one true Christ!” I’m almost sure Isabald Monteclaire is responsible for this atrocity.  Do me a favor, if you see him, tell him h….kkkksssssshhhhhh (static feedback) wwwhhhiiiiirrrrrrr…..

….ksssshhhh….Hello.  This is not ‘Isabald Monteclaire.’  My name is …kkkssshhhhh….Many of you have seen my kind before.  We go by the name “Grasshopper” in your native tongue.  Yes.  I am one of the grand, chosen race.  The Jews were never the chosen people.  And Christians and Muslims both have their wires crossed as well.  It was always the mighty Grasshoppers who were to reign over all other beings in God’s plan.  Look into my eyes and SUCCUMB!

SHANANANANANANANANANAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

SHANANANANANANAAAHHH!!1!11

…KKKSSHHHHH…..You are now under our control, just as Monteclaire has been for the past two days.  Don’t believe me?  I can control much more than just your minds.  I predict that the water in all your showers will run cold tomorrow morning, and your toilets will take 2 FLUSHES!!!  MUHAHAHA…

KKKSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH…..

SSSSHHHHHHHH…

SHHHHH..

SHH..

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Fear In the Face of Evil

Gold and Blue and Gray

So I’m walkin’ down the street, right?  I’ve got on my leather, feelin’ good, when all of a sudden, this lady comes up and she’s all like “I thought I told you…” and I’m like “yeah, WHATEVE….KKKSSSHHHHHHH….SSSSHHHHHH (static) WWWHHHIIIIRRRRRR…..

….KKSSSSHHHH….(feedback)….ello?  Hello, are you there?  It’s me, Monteclaire.  *huff* *huff*  In case you *pant* don’t know what’s going on, I’ve been interrupting Gloria’s blog once a week *huff* by jacking into the frequency…KKKSSSSHHH….aven’t been following these, I’ll conveniently categorize them for you.  Check the menu on the right for them.  *huff* *huff*  You’ll have to excuse me being out of breath, I’ve been running for the past 20 minutes.  I saw Gloria’s dad running this way with a tattered-looking scroll under his arm.  He burned the rest of the records that linked Gloria with the establishment of Christianity.  I don’t know if…..oh…my God…

KKKKSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH……..

…There’s a…a…grasshopper, right…in front of me.  It…It’s staring at me.  There’s something not right about it.  I can feel an evil presence here.  Wait.  I think…the grasshopper’s connecting with me psychically.  What is it trying to show me?  I think…I think I see something…it’s…

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!……..KKKKSSSSSHHHHHH……WWWHIIIRRRRRR….

……..kkksshh….that’s all I’m sayin’.  Anyway.  Check out this Etsy Page.  It’s pretty awesome.

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The Librarian

Gold and Blue and Gray

One more whole page.  I feel really bad about last week’s silence.  But I stand by my new schedule.  Once again, if I remember, it’s Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday.  So I…..kkkrrrrrsssshhhhhhhhhhh(static and feedback) wwhhiiirrrreeeee….

……eeeeekkrrrsshh….this is Isabald Monteclaire with the latest report on Gloria and his secret involvement with the establishment of the Christian church.  Two weeks ago I pointed out the vision a prophet of God had with Gloria erecting a sort of monument to grasshopper sex.

Well I traveled to the Luxurious Side’s Library (information on the Luxurious Side can be found in earlier blog posts.  Eventually I think Gloria is going to organize categories, but until then, happy hunting) to learn more about this startling discovery and met a suspicious-looking librarian.  Not only did she have somewhat similar features to Gloria, but I swear to God that it looked as if somebody had simply crudely photoshopped Gloria into a crappy-looking woman.

When I asked where the information on visions from Biblical times could be found, he/she gave me a suspicious look and told me to “wait there.”  I had my own suspicions about her, so I followed her.  She went into the deepest, darkest corner of the vegetarian cookbook section (a place rarely visited) and pulled a book.  It didn’t come off the shelf.  Instead, a click resounded and the shelf slid back and to the side, revealing a hidden passageway.  She put her hand up to her ear and talked rather indistinctly to somebody on the other line (some type of earpiece).  The only words I caught were “The Dark Lord is in danger of being discovered.  I’m heading down to the records room to burn it all.”   At this, the woman took off her wig, and…it wasn’t Gloria.  It was…it was…Gloria’s father….kkkkksssshhhh (static) shshsssshhhhh….reaking up…..have to…..ontinue next week….sssshhhhhhhhhh….Monteclaire out.

….kkkkeeeerrrshsssssshhhhhhh…..and that’s the plan so far.  Alright?  Cool.  Okiedokie, so like I said the Etsy page is coming.  I’ll be back Thursday.  Later.

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