Archive for grasshopper

Grasshopper Saga: The Conclusion

Posted in Monteclaire Jacking In with tags , , , , , , , , on May 30, 2010 by applecorecomics

kksssshhhhh…sssshhhhh…I know not very much time has passed since I made the last post but quite a bit has happened.  I have to admit that I’ve really been overreacting to all this.  What?  Oh no, I’m not being held captive by Grasshoppers anymore.  Actually we all sat down and ironed out a lot of our differences.

I’ve even been given a job in their growing Grasshopper corporation, known as OCP,, in the Security Concepts division.  There have been some really positive changes in my life over the past two days.  I’m really turning things around.  My coworkers and I have all had a pretty good laugh at my panicky, desperate rants this past week

^Jim works with me at the Security Concepts division

So anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know everything’s fi…what?  Inconsistent?  I’m not being incon….OH!  Right.  God, I forgot all about the Gloria thing.  Sorry.  I’ve just been having such a great time at this wonderful company.  Um, yeah, Gloria.  Well it turns out that Gloria had sex with the leader of the grand Grasshopper Race (and later built a monument to a grasshopper’s sexual organs) and the grasshopper gave birth to the new God (the old one got shot through the neck, if you don’t remember) and it was Gloria and the grasshopper leader who, while lying in bed smoking a cigarette after hot sex, thought it would be funny to change up the old Moses’ Law thing and try something new.  Gloria named it ‘Christianity’ after his favorite movie character, Fletcher Christian

Pretty soon it got kind of out of hand when Jesus was crucified and all that.  They felt kind of bad about it, really.  That’s why the Grasshoppers started this company

to kind of make up for Jesus’ death and the Crusades and Catholic pedophiles and all that by providing quality products at reasonable prices.


Haha, hehe…hmph…pt 2

Posted in Gold and Blue and Gay, Monteclaire Jacking In, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2010 by applecorecomics

aaand here:

Gold and Blue and Gray

And yes, that is a gangsta rap by the Spanish Inquisition.  Now that we’re good and caught up we can get back to business.  Namely, the very important and serious business of….kkssshhhhh…ssshhhh..whhiiirrrr (feedback, static)…

…kkssshhhh…hello?…hello, is this…kkssshhhhh…this is the leader of the Ant Empire.  You are being deceived by the vile Grasshoppers. They are not the chosen race.  Not by a long shot.  WE ARE!!!!!!  You people, you must decide.  Soon Monteclaire will jack into this frequency and feed you false information.  He is still under the Grasshoppers’ control!  Do not be taken in!..kkssshhhhh….Decide or die!

Jesus Condoms

Posted in Monteclaire Jacking In, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 7, 2010 by applecorecomics

Gold and Blue and Gray

Kkkkkssssshhhhhhh…….ssshhhhh (static feedback) bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….

…kksssshhh….is Isabald Monteclaire.  I don’t know if you can hear me, but I don’t have much time.  Whoever is receiving me, you have to find help.  I’m trapped in the past.  I’ve spent the last few weeks tracking down information on a friend of mine, Gloria Farmer.  If you know Gloria, then…stay away from him.  He’s dangerous.  There’s something you don’t know about him.  I don’t have time to explain all the details.  What I need you to do is to go to New Mexico.  When you get there drive way out to the middle of the desert.

There will be a decrepit old billboard advertising recycled condoms.  Climb up it and make your way to the back of the structure.  Just behind the dangling rubber on the other side is a portal into the year 4 B.C.  The year Jesus was born.  Yes, I’m aware of the irony of the portal to the place in time of Jesus’ birth by his virgin mother being directly behind a dangling condom, but I need you to focus.  Once you get there, you have to….KKKSSSSHHHHHHH…oh no, I’m breaking up…kkkssshhh…look, just…ssshhhhhh…and….sssshhhhhhh….avoid the grasshoppers….ssshhhhhh…they’re taking over…sshhhhhhhh…I’ll try to contact you again….ssshhhhh…f I’m still alive, that is….onteclaire out……

What Has That Crabs-Infested Leech Been Saying About Me?

Posted in Monteclaire Jacking In, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 30, 2010 by applecorecomics

Seriously.  This has got to stop.  I’ve had it up to here.  I’m on my last nerve.  I’m done.  Finite.  It’s over.  That’s the last straw.

I’m talking about Monteclaire, by the way.

Gold and Blue and Gray

There’s just only so much I can take.  15 people!  That’s how many have started following me wherever I go!  I mean, most people would be freaked out by 1 stalker, m i right?  Well I confronted one of these 15 weirdos and you know what they told me?  “We follow the one true Christ!” I’m almost sure Isabald Monteclaire is responsible for this atrocity.  Do me a favor, if you see him, tell him h….kkkksssssshhhhhh (static feedback) wwwhhhiiiiirrrrrrr…..

….ksssshhhh….Hello.  This is not ‘Isabald Monteclaire.’  My name is …kkkssshhhhh….Many of you have seen my kind before.  We go by the name “Grasshopper” in your native tongue.  Yes.  I am one of the grand, chosen race.  The Jews were never the chosen people.  And Christians and Muslims both have their wires crossed as well.  It was always the mighty Grasshoppers who were to reign over all other beings in God’s plan.  Look into my eyes and SUCCUMB!



…KKKSSHHHHH…..You are now under our control, just as Monteclaire has been for the past two days.  Don’t believe me?  I can control much more than just your minds.  I predict that the water in all your showers will run cold tomorrow morning, and your toilets will take 2 FLUSHES!!!  MUHAHAHA…





Fear In the Face of Evil

Posted in Isabald Monteclaire, Monteclaire Jacking In, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 20, 2010 by applecorecomics

Gold and Blue and Gray

So I’m walkin’ down the street, right?  I’ve got on my leather, feelin’ good, when all of a sudden, this lady comes up and she’s all like “I thought I told you…” and I’m like “yeah, WHATEVE….KKKSSSHHHHHHH….SSSSHHHHHH (static) WWWHHHIIIIRRRRRR…..

….KKSSSSHHHH….(feedback)….ello?  Hello, are you there?  It’s me, Monteclaire.  *huff* *huff*  In case you *pant* don’t know what’s going on, I’ve been interrupting Gloria’s blog once a week *huff* by jacking into the frequency…KKKSSSSHHH….aven’t been following these, I’ll conveniently categorize them for you.  Check the menu on the right for them.  *huff* *huff*  You’ll have to excuse me being out of breath, I’ve been running for the past 20 minutes.  I saw Gloria’s dad running this way with a tattered-looking scroll under his arm.  He burned the rest of the records that linked Gloria with the establishment of Christianity.  I don’t know if…..oh…my God…


…There’s a…a…grasshopper, right…in front of me.  It…It’s staring at me.  There’s something not right about it.  I can feel an evil presence here.  Wait.  I think…the grasshopper’s connecting with me psychically.  What is it trying to show me?  I think…I think I see something…it’s…


……..kkksshh….that’s all I’m sayin’.  Anyway.  Check out this Etsy Page.  It’s pretty awesome.

The Librarian

Posted in Monteclaire Jacking In, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2010 by applecorecomics

Gold and Blue and Gray

One more whole page.  I feel really bad about last week’s silence.  But I stand by my new schedule.  Once again, if I remember, it’s Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday.  So I…..kkkrrrrrsssshhhhhhhhhhh(static and feedback) wwhhiiirrrreeeee….

……eeeeekkrrrsshh….this is Isabald Monteclaire with the latest report on Gloria and his secret involvement with the establishment of the Christian church.  Two weeks ago I pointed out the vision a prophet of God had with Gloria erecting a sort of monument to grasshopper sex.

Well I traveled to the Luxurious Side’s Library (information on the Luxurious Side can be found in earlier blog posts.  Eventually I think Gloria is going to organize categories, but until then, happy hunting) to learn more about this startling discovery and met a suspicious-looking librarian.  Not only did she have somewhat similar features to Gloria, but I swear to God that it looked as if somebody had simply crudely photoshopped Gloria into a crappy-looking woman.

When I asked where the information on visions from Biblical times could be found, he/she gave me a suspicious look and told me to “wait there.”  I had my own suspicions about her, so I followed her.  She went into the deepest, darkest corner of the vegetarian cookbook section (a place rarely visited) and pulled a book.  It didn’t come off the shelf.  Instead, a click resounded and the shelf slid back and to the side, revealing a hidden passageway.  She put her hand up to her ear and talked rather indistinctly to somebody on the other line (some type of earpiece).  The only words I caught were “The Dark Lord is in danger of being discovered.  I’m heading down to the records room to burn it all.”   At this, the woman took off her wig, and…it wasn’t Gloria.  It was…it was…Gloria’s father….kkkkksssshhhh (static) shshsssshhhhh….reaking up…..have to…..ontinue next week….sssshhhhhhhhhh….Monteclaire out.

….kkkkeeeerrrshsssssshhhhhhh…..and that’s the plan so far.  Alright?  Cool.  Okiedokie, so like I said the Etsy page is coming.  I’ll be back Thursday.  Later.


Posted in Monteclaire Jacking In, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on April 1, 2010 by applecorecomics

Being the son of a clockmaker, I thought of everything in terms of time.  As the day passed I watched the metaphorical gears spinning, turning, slowly rusting in rusty decay.  My father would always say “Son, the day will come when the clocks stop.  When that day comes, and come it will, oh yes, come and come soon, and on the day of the coming clocks, which will stop when it comes, you must be ready to come as well.  We must all come on that day, and be grateful to live in a country where we can all get together and rejoice in our massive pool of come.”

-Excerpt: Chapter 12, Gold and Blue and Gay

I thought, since I wasn’t exactly sure how to do that thing where you make a blog post and it posts automatically on a certain day, I’d go ahead and do this as a sort of double post for today and tomorrow.  Here’s the update:

I need to go ahead and tell you, Fantastic Benefits is on hold this weekend and next weekend, because I’m trying to get this zine printed and distributed at the Art Mart, Etsy, and wherever they’ll let me sell it.  The problem is that I need to finish about six pages before I worry about formatting them and getting them printed, folded, and stapled (I just got a sweet 12″ stapler for the job).  But the real problem is that…Kkkkksssshshsssssshhhhhhhh (static, feedback) wwwhhiiiiirrrrreeeeeeeeeeeee

…kkksssshhhh….is the last time we’re trying…I think we’re in.  Can you hear me?  Right, this is Monteclaire with the promised revelation about Gloria Farmer’s true identity!  As I stated before, he is not who he says he is.  The truth is so amazing I can barely believe or contain it.  It has to do with the real origin of Christianity.  I know this will be hard to swallow, but do your best….kkkssshhhhhh

…About 200 years before Jesus was born there was a prophecy that was never revealed in the scrolls and letters that make up the Bibl….kkkssshhhwhhiiirrrrrrrr….ust listen.  It was reported that on the night of… by the name of Johan Baptizzo saw a vision of a short guy with what looked like, and I’m quoting here, “Little stick arms and legs and a shield for a body.  And for some reason on the shield was a Roman torture device…not sure why.”  See, back then the cross was just a…wwwwhhhiiiiiirrrrrr….and Gloria appeared to be building something, something big.  The man, horrified, told the people what he had seen:

“It was like a nightmare and a wet dream rolled into one!  This terrible man whom the angel had told me was named “Gloria” was building a gigantic wooden monument on top of the Temple.  It appeared to be a 400-foot replica of a grasshopper’s sexual organ.  On the bottom of the awesome and terrible structure was a plaque.  I had hoped to forget the words inscribed there, but for the sake of posterity, I shall repeat them now.  On the plaque was written:

During reproduction, the male grasshopper introduces sperm into the ovipositor through its aedeagus (reproductive organ), and inserts its spermatophore, a package containing the sperm, into the female’s ovipositor. The sperm enters the eggs through fine canals called micropyles. The female then lays the fertilized egg pod, using her ovipositor and abdomen to insert the eggs about one to two inches underground, although they can also be laid in plant roots or even manure. (Wikipedia)

Of course I was confused by this statement.  But as the vision continued…I soon new the horrible implications and what they meant for mankind…

kkkkssssshhhhhhh…oh no…ssshhhhhhhhhh…e’re out of time….ssssshhhhhh….have to continue next wee………wwwwhhhhiiiiirrrrrr………Monteclaire out……..ssshhh

….Did I lose you guys?  What happened?  I thought I heard a voice like from a radio or something… got some serious deja vu too.  Oh well.