Archive for February, 2010

Where’s Monteclaire?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on February 28, 2010 by applecorecomics

Oh…my head.  Where the fuck is Isabald?  I checked this site yesterday and there wasn’t a fucking Friday or Saturday post.  He disappeared and I have no memory of the past two days.  Wait……………….something’s coming back to me.  Ssss…ex?  Sex.  I had sex.  Who did I have sex with?  Wait wait.  I’m in the middle of the desert.  The trip’s a bust.  I was with the old lady.  Was it the old lady?  It wouldn’t be the first ancient lady I’ve boned.  I’ve been around in my time, let me tell ya.  Uuuhhh….no.  Wait.  Where did the Fremen go?  We were gonna start this big war and take back the planet or something.  Or was that a book I read?  Wait a secon…d…….What the?  There’s- there’s trees out there.  There are trees.  I’m in a tent.  In a b…backyard?  I’m, I’m sorry, I know I’m not making any sense.

Okay.  No desert outside the tent.  What is that about.  And why do have the same feeling I had that one time I took way too much acid.  Um…What about…the treasure?  The old lady, she, she told me about the treasure.  She said where it was buried.  She told me some kind of a riddle.  Something like

If you know what that means, leave a comment and tell me.  I can’t promise I’ll be able to approve the comment, at least not until I figure out where I am and what happened.

Gold and Blue and Gray. Was updated Friday.

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Mahdi?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2010 by applecorecomics

I’ve had enough of all these sexual comments towards me.  I’m not Gloria.  I don’t enjoy those types of things.  All you’re accomplishing is freaking me out.  Here’s Gloria:

Holy fuck.  Or, I should say, Holy Fucking Mother.  That’s who I’ve been talking to for the past hour.  Of course that’s nothing to nearly being eaten and just after that stabbed by numerous peoples.  I don’t even know where Randy Ghost is hiding.  Oh.  Sorry, you don’t know what I’m talking about.  Let me back up.

We were running towards the mountainous rocks, I heard a thumping, the ghost pissed himself , we turned around, and there standing 30 feet tall was a humongous beast of gargantuan proportions and a rather large size as well:

Terrifying.

It was the dreaded Sandwormu.  I’d only read of them.  My feet froze mid-run and I slid to a halt, grabbing the ghost’s arm to stop him as the worm gained on us.  “Why???” was what the look on his face seemed to say.  Calmly, again, as the worm sped toward us like a massive throbbing missile, I said “Randy, remember what Fatboy Slim taught us!”  He looked at me as if I was speaking another language and then his face changed.  He understood.  Together, we both began walking once more, humming the sacred tune as we did:

“Walk without rhythm, and it won’t…attract…the worm.”

“Walk without rhythm, and it won’t…attract…the worm.”

Needless to say we safely made it across the dunes and then some.  Actually we got a little too into the song and started flying through the air like Christopher Walken and ended up at the next mountainous structure some 50 miles from the first one.  I think the worm and us bonded through that whole experience.  The next time I see a penis this is all I’m gonna be able to think about.  Anyways.  Long story short when we strolled into the caves of the rocks a strange people jumped out and attacked us.  They were darker-skinned, kind of like Monteclaire.  The main difference was their eyes.  They were glowing a delicious neon-pink.

I smoothed things over with them, they took us back to their village in the caves, they started calling me the Mahdi, which is apparently like their savior or something, blah blah blah.  It’s really not all that interesting.  It really got interesting when I started talking with their Holy Mother. Man, that was one saucy dame.  I wish someone would describe me as saucy.  Anyway, she had a lot of awesome stories, but one in particular caught my ear…

She knows where the treasure is buried.

!!!

Hmm.  Some of that story sounds a tad familiar.  Monteclaire out.


The Pixelated Luxurious Side

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on February 23, 2010 by applecorecomics

Something you may or may not have noticed.  In nearly every post since I took over…I mean…assisted…this blog, there has been a picture.

Mistake #4- Not enough pictures

I’m not saying Americans don’t like to read.  I’m just saying they’re much more likely to if a nice, pretty picture takes up some of the space.  Nothing wrong with that.  Gloria does run a comics site for goodness’ sake.  Having said that, I should put a picture up here.  I don’t have one pertaining to my post, though.  I’ll just throw something up here I guess.


Anyway.  Have you ever had that fuzzy feeling in your gut?  If you saw something or heard something that triggered a memory of your childhood all wrapped in nostalgia?  That’s what every day is like in LS (Luxurious Side.  I’m tired of typing it). There are many a difference between this place and your own.  Care to know them?

I suppose if you were riding on a bus and caught a glimpse of a gentleman picking his nose, you’d be put off?  Well, in LS, our noses occasionally fill with a crumbly peanut brittle.  Picking it out is a cause for celebration!  If I saw that same gentleman here, I would sit next to him and ask politely to partake in his nose brittle.

Another thing you might find endearing are our video games.  Unlike your world which is obsessed with the next big breakthrough in “graphical quality,” in LS we have focused on and perfected the simplistic yet powerful style of 8-bit.  Archaic, you say?  My friend, that was spoken in ignorance.  My world is simply ahead of yours in every way.  It wasn’t until the time of the impressionists that Western artists began to comprehend the beauty and subtle grace of Eastern and African art and how, in truth, it was miles ahead of their own.  In the next 20 years your video game creators will realize that very same thing.  Only then it will be all too similar to the painting world when modern art hit the scene.  The general public will be taken aback and unable to understand why video games have taken this direction.  “My kid could program that!”  They will proclaim in their ignorance.  Alas.  Such is life in the Non-Luxurious Side.

Oh, here’s the LATEST COMIC for Gold and Blue and Gray.  Monteclaire out.

Gloria wins at cards

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on February 22, 2010 by applecorecomics

Gloria had the nerve to call my titles “stupid and boring.”  I think they’re literal and descriptive.  Different strokes.  Here’s Gloria’s post from Saturday.  I was busy.

I think I’m going to change the Fantastic Benefits deadline (see, I can link too) to MONDAYS. I seem to have developed a tendency to update it Saturday or Sunday as opposed to Friday, so this just seems to make more sense.  To summarize, Fantastic Benefits updates MONDAYS, while Gold and Blue and Gray still updates TUESDAYS and FRIDAYS. Hey, this gives you more reason to come back more days of the week!  Both of those were updated this past weekend, by the way.  Check those out if you haven’t already.

Anyways, the real reason you’re even checking this blog is to see what we’ve been up to in Egypt, not Monteclaire’s bullshit, am I right?  Well…we haven’t actually started digging yet.  We plan to Monday, I swear.  See, when I said that Philip IV‘s team was having trouble?  Well, it actually wasn’t a prank that was pulled (I’m saving that for when we both actually begin excavating).  It all happened during a friendly game of cards.  Gin rummy, to be exact.

(There I am playing cards with that tacky bastard Philip in his tent.  We’ve each got our right hand man.  Me with the randy ghost and him with that hook-handed guy from Masters of the Universe)

I’ll just tell you straight:  Philip was kicking my ass. To be honest I wasn’t even sure how to play gin rummy.  I thought we had to strip.  That’s why the ghost is down to his boxers.  I was wondering why Philip and Karg looked at me funny every time I told the ghost to remove a piece of clothing.  I used my knights’ intuition to save face and figured out how the game worked from context clues.  Once I knew, man there was no stopping me.  By the time the game was over I had won Philip’s tent, Jeep, crown, and that hook-hand guy’s massive wig.  The ghost said it made me look like an 80’s hair metal singer.  But I digress.

We didn’t really need a tent so we just torched it and went dune-hopping in the Jeep.  Kind of lost our way, actually.  In fact, that’s sort of the reason we haven’t started digging yet.  We have no fucking clue where we are.  The ghost and I (who’s name I recently discovered is Randy.  Some things just make sense) have had to set up camp out here among the dunes with no idea how to get back.  I’m sure we’ll be fine, though.  We’re heading toward what looks like a sort of mountainous formation.  We’ll probably be there by tomorrow.  Randy ghost doesn’t believe me, but I swear I keep hearing this steady thumping rhythm the closer we get to the small, jagged mountain structure.  And about an hour ago, I heard a terrible screeching noise, like some kind of large…wait, the ghost is signaling to me from the distance.  WHAT?  I CAN’T HEAR YOU.  Is he running?  Hey…what’s that behind him?  Oh God.  It can’t be.  It’s….AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I’m sure he’s fine.  I guess he’s updating that comic every Monday now.  Tomorrow, more Gold and Blue and Gray.  Also some more info on the Luxurious Side.  Monteclaire out.

Fantastic Benefits and Gold and Blue and Gray

Posted in Uncategorized on February 20, 2010 by applecorecomics

Just a quick update Gloria sent me.  Gold and Blue and Gray and Fantastic Benefits.  Click those and stand astounded.  Larger post coming tonight.  Monteclaire out.

Bar Fight plus Kubrick equals Good Times

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on February 19, 2010 by applecorecomics

*just so you know, I tried posting this at 4:00 this afternoon, but WordPress.com was down.  Shit happens.*

Quick note from me:

Mistake #3- Uses 0 tags

I’ve remedied that problem as well.  Now here’s Gloria:

I understand Monteclaire’s been pointing out numerous mistakes I’ve made while blogging.  Normally I might be pissed, but I’ve been having so much goddamned fun I couldn’t give a hoot.  Tell you what.  What with the time difference I couldn’t possibly keep you updated as shit goes down, so I’ll just tell you from the start like I was writing a short story.  This’ll be the first installment.  Okay.

We strolled into the bar.  John, Matt, Luke, Peter, J. Dog, the horny ghost, and me.  All eyes fell on us.  We took it in stride and sat down for a drink.

“Little slow in here tonight, isn’t it?” I asked.

“Yes it is, Mr. Torrence,” the bartender replied.

“Uh, name’s Farmer.”

“What’ll it be?”  He said, ignoring my correction.

“I’m awfully glad you asked me that, Lloyd (his name tag said Lloyd).  ‘Cause I just happen to have two $20’s and two $10’s right here in my wallet.  I was afraid they were gonna be there till next April.  So here’s what.  You slip me a bottle of bourbon, a little glass, and some ice.”  I said.  Then I looked behind me and remembered I was with people.  “Oh, and 6 more glasses too.  You can do that, can’t you Lloyd?  Not too busy, are ya?  Heh heh heh heh.”

“No sir, not busy at all,” he said, smirking.

“Good man!”  I said enthusiastically.  “You set em up and I’ll knock em back, Lloyd, one by one.”  He set the glasses on the bar and started pouring.  I said “White man’s burden, Lloyd, my man.  White man’s burden.”  My team was looking at me kind of funny at this point.  I opened my wallet and realized I’d already spent my money on a kick-ass mummy action figure at the gift shop.  “Say lloyd…it seems I’m temporarily light,” I said, hoping to alleviate the situation.  “How’s my credit in this joint, anyway?”

“Oh,” he said, “I’m afraid now we’re gonna have to kick your ass.”  He lept over the bar and we all jumped back as he started displaying some sweet ass moves with a large, Thor-like hammer.

“Stand back guys.  I got this,” I said smugly.  What ensued was at once an ugly fight and a beautiful dance between two fighting masters.  Strange thing was we kept talking.  I don’t know what the hell it was about or who said what, but it went something like, “How are things going, Mr. Torrance?  Things could be better Lloyd.  Things could be a whole lot better,” I jumped into his spin-kick and he knocked me into a wall,  “I hope it’s nothing serious.  No.  Nothing serious.  Just a little problem with the, uh…old sperm bank upstairs.  Nothing I can’t handle, though.  Thanks.”  I threw a throwing knife into his arm and he roared at the ceiling as he charged me, “Women.  Can’t live with them.  Can’t live without them.  Words of wisdom, Lloyd.  Words of…wisdom.”

The fight ended kind of strangely.  He got hold of an ax and I ran out of the bar and into a hedge maze (not sure what a hedge maze was doing in the desert).  He chased after me and then it started snowing.  After a few hours I got outta there.  I never did see him come out.  Someone should probably check to see if he’s alright.

That was all on Sunday.  A lot has happened since then, let me tell you.  And our two competing excavation teams haven’t even started digging yet.  Let’s just say “Philip the Fair’s” team has had some…trouble.  Heh heh heh.

Stock tip of the day: buy Toyota.  Monteclaire out.



Big Mistake

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2010 by applecorecomics

Probably one of the largest mistakes Gloria makes is no links.  Not one.

Mistake #2-  No Links

Again, common sense.  Not only does he not link.  In every post he tells you about Gold and Blue and Gray and Fantastic Benefits. Then says to click the HOME link in the menu on the right.  Apparently he doesn’t realize that, for example, I could say “Check out the new Gold and Blue and Gray update.” And voila.  You click it, you’re there.  I know all of you know this.  This is more for Gloria’s sake and to ridicule him.  That link works by the way.  There’s a new update.

I suppose telling of the Luxurious Border Patrol wouldn’t hurt.  They look strikingly similar to those police robots from THX 1138:

They have all sorts of tools for patrolling this land.  I suppose Gloria might call these tools “kinky.”  They do tend to be on the erotic side.  Not 100% sure why.  You could probably picture it if I leave it at that.  You don’t want to be pulled over by them.  In fact my old rival J.F. Armorby had a bad experience with these fellows just last June.

He had been sending his corporate thugs to try and sneak over here and find a way in for him.  He decided after numerous failed attempts that he could do it himself.  Oh ho, he was mistaken.   I won’t detail his humiliation.  I will tell you that golden dildos may have been involved.  It’s also Luxurious Border Patrol policy to use these tools only once.  The subdued suspect is forced to supply the cash for new ones.  You see now, of course, why I don’t mind telling you about the Luxurious Side.  You’d never try to get there on threat of horrible and quite expensive anal penetration.  Monteclaire out.