Where’s Monteclaire?

Oh…my head.  Where the fuck is Isabald?  I checked this site yesterday and there wasn’t a fucking Friday or Saturday post.  He disappeared and I have no memory of the past two days.  Wait……………….something’s coming back to me.  Ssss…ex?  Sex.  I had sex.  Who did I have sex with?  Wait wait.  I’m in the middle of the desert.  The trip’s a bust.  I was with the old lady.  Was it the old lady?  It wouldn’t be the first ancient lady I’ve boned.  I’ve been around in my time, let me tell ya.  Uuuhhh….no.  Wait.  Where did the Fremen go?  We were gonna start this big war and take back the planet or something.  Or was that a book I read?  Wait a secon…d…….What the?  There’s- there’s trees out there.  There are trees.  I’m in a tent.  In a b…backyard?  I’m, I’m sorry, I know I’m not making any sense.

Okay.  No desert outside the tent.  What is that about.  And why do have the same feeling I had that one time I took way too much acid.  Um…What about…the treasure?  The old lady, she, she told me about the treasure.  She said where it was buried.  She told me some kind of a riddle.  Something like

If you know what that means, leave a comment and tell me.  I can’t promise I’ll be able to approve the comment, at least not until I figure out where I am and what happened.

Gold and Blue and Gray. Was updated Friday.

Mahdi?

I’ve had enough of all these sexual comments towards me.  I’m not Gloria.  I don’t enjoy those types of things.  All you’re accomplishing is freaking me out.  Here’s Gloria:

Holy fuck.  Or, I should say, Holy Fucking Mother.  That’s who I’ve been talking to for the past hour.  Of course that’s nothing to nearly being eaten and just after that stabbed by numerous peoples.  I don’t even know where Randy Ghost is hiding.  Oh.  Sorry, you don’t know what I’m talking about.  Let me back up.

We were running towards the mountainous rocks, I heard a thumping, the ghost pissed himself , we turned around, and there standing 30 feet tall was a humongous beast of gargantuan proportions and a rather large size as well:

Terrifying.

It was the dreaded Sandwormu.  I’d only read of them.  My feet froze mid-run and I slid to a halt, grabbing the ghost’s arm to stop him as the worm gained on us.  “Why???” was what the look on his face seemed to say.  Calmly, again, as the worm sped toward us like a massive throbbing missile, I said “Randy, remember what Fatboy Slim taught us!”  He looked at me as if I was speaking another language and then his face changed.  He understood.  Together, we both began walking once more, humming the sacred tune as we did:

“Walk without rhythm, and it won’t…attract…the worm.”

“Walk without rhythm, and it won’t…attract…the worm.”

Needless to say we safely made it across the dunes and then some.  Actually we got a little too into the song and started flying through the air like Christopher Walken and ended up at the next mountainous structure some 50 miles from the first one.  I think the worm and us bonded through that whole experience.  The next time I see a penis this is all I’m gonna be able to think about.  Anyways.  Long story short when we strolled into the caves of the rocks a strange people jumped out and attacked us.  They were darker-skinned, kind of like Monteclaire.  The main difference was their eyes.  They were glowing a delicious neon-pink.

I smoothed things over with them, they took us back to their village in the caves, they started calling me the Mahdi, which is apparently like their savior or something, blah blah blah.  It’s really not all that interesting.  It really got interesting when I started talking with their Holy Mother. Man, that was one saucy dame.  I wish someone would describe me as saucy.  Anyway, she had a lot of awesome stories, but one in particular caught my ear…

She knows where the treasure is buried.

!!!

Hmm.  Some of that story sounds a tad familiar.  Monteclaire out.

The Pixelated Luxurious Side

Something you may or may not have noticed.  In nearly every post since I took over…I mean…assisted…this blog, there has been a picture.

Mistake #4- Not enough pictures

I’m not saying Americans don’t like to read.  I’m just saying they’re much more likely to if a nice, pretty picture takes up some of the space.  Nothing wrong with that.  Gloria does run a comics site for goodness’ sake.  Having said that, I should put a picture up here.  I don’t have one pertaining to my post, though.  I’ll just throw something up here I guess.

Anyway.  Have you ever had that fuzzy feeling in your gut?  If you saw something or heard something that triggered a memory of your childhood all wrapped in nostalgia?  That’s what every day is like in LS (Luxurious Side.  I’m tired of typing it). There are many a difference between this place and your own.  Care to know them?

I suppose if you were riding on a bus and caught a glimpse of a gentleman picking his nose, you’d be put off?  Well, in LS, our noses occasionally fill with a crumbly peanut brittle.  Picking it out is a cause for celebration!  If I saw that same gentleman here, I would sit next to him and ask politely to partake in his nose brittle.

Another thing you might find endearing are our video games.  Unlike your world which is obsessed with the next big breakthrough in “graphical quality,” in LS we have focused on and perfected the simplistic yet powerful style of 8-bit.  Archaic, you say?  My friend, that was spoken in ignorance.  My world is simply ahead of yours in every way.  It wasn’t until the time of the impressionists that Western artists began to comprehend the beauty and subtle grace of Eastern and African art and how, in truth, it was miles ahead of their own.  In the next 20 years your video game creators will realize that very same thing.  Only then it will be all too similar to the painting world when modern art hit the scene.  The general public will be taken aback and unable to understand why video games have taken this direction.  “My kid could program that!”  They will proclaim in their ignorance.  Alas.  Such is life in the Non-Luxurious Side.

Oh, here’s the LATEST COMIC for Gold and Blue and Gray.  Monteclaire out.

Gloria wins at cards

Gloria had the nerve to call my titles “stupid and boring.”  I think they’re literal and descriptive.  Different strokes.  Here’s Gloria’s post from Saturday.  I was busy.

I think I’m going to change the Fantastic Benefits deadline (see, I can link too) to MONDAYS. I seem to have developed a tendency to update it Saturday or Sunday as opposed to Friday, so this just seems to make more sense.  To summarize, Fantastic Benefits updates MONDAYS, while Gold and Blue and Gray still updates TUESDAYS and FRIDAYS. Hey, this gives you more reason to come back more days of the week!  Both of those were updated this past weekend, by the way.  Check those out if you haven’t already.

Anyways, the real reason you’re even checking this blog is to see what we’ve been up to in Egypt, not Monteclaire’s bullshit, am I right?  Well…we haven’t actually started digging yet.  We plan to Monday, I swear.  See, when I said that Philip IV‘s team was having trouble?  Well, it actually wasn’t a prank that was pulled (I’m saving that for when we both actually begin excavating).  It all happened during a friendly game of cards.  Gin rummy, to be exact.

(There I am playing cards with that tacky bastard Philip in his tent.  We’ve each got our right hand man.  Me with the randy ghost and him with that hook-handed guy from Masters of the Universe)

I’ll just tell you straight:  Philip was kicking my ass. To be honest I wasn’t even sure how to play gin rummy.  I thought we had to strip.  That’s why the ghost is down to his boxers.  I was wondering why Philip and Karg looked at me funny every time I told the ghost to remove a piece of clothing.  I used my knights’ intuition to save face and figured out how the game worked from context clues.  Once I knew, man there was no stopping me.  By the time the game was over I had won Philip’s tent, Jeep, crown, and that hook-hand guy’s massive wig.  The ghost said it made me look like an 80’s hair metal singer.  But I digress.

We didn’t really need a tent so we just torched it and went dune-hopping in the Jeep.  Kind of lost our way, actually.  In fact, that’s sort of the reason we haven’t started digging yet.  We have no fucking clue where we are.  The ghost and I (who’s name I recently discovered is Randy.  Some things just make sense) have had to set up camp out here among the dunes with no idea how to get back.  I’m sure we’ll be fine, though.  We’re heading toward what looks like a sort of mountainous formation.  We’ll probably be there by tomorrow.  Randy ghost doesn’t believe me, but I swear I keep hearing this steady thumping rhythm the closer we get to the small, jagged mountain structure.  And about an hour ago, I heard a terrible screeching noise, like some kind of large…wait, the ghost is signaling to me from the distance.  WHAT?  I CAN’T HEAR YOU.  Is he running?  Hey…what’s that behind him?  Oh God.  It can’t be.  It’s….AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I’m sure he’s fine.  I guess he’s updating that comic every Monday now.  Tomorrow, more Gold and Blue and Gray.  Also some more info on the Luxurious Side.  Monteclaire out.

Fantastic Benefits and Gold and Blue and Gray

Just a quick update Gloria sent me.  Gold and Blue and Gray and Fantastic Benefits.  Click those and stand astounded.  Larger post coming tonight.  Monteclaire out.

Bar Fight plus Kubrick equals Good Times

*just so you know, I tried posting this at 4:00 this afternoon, but WordPress.com was down.  Shit happens.*

Quick note from me:

Mistake #3- Uses 0 tags

I’ve remedied that problem as well.  Now here’s Gloria:

I understand Monteclaire’s been pointing out numerous mistakes I’ve made while blogging.  Normally I might be pissed, but I’ve been having so much goddamned fun I couldn’t give a hoot.  Tell you what.  What with the time difference I couldn’t possibly keep you updated as shit goes down, so I’ll just tell you from the start like I was writing a short story.  This’ll be the first installment.  Okay.

We strolled into the bar.  John, Matt, Luke, Peter, J. Dog, the horny ghost, and me.  All eyes fell on us.  We took it in stride and sat down for a drink.

“Little slow in here tonight, isn’t it?” I asked.

“Yes it is, Mr. Torrence,” the bartender replied.

“Uh, name’s Farmer.”

“What’ll it be?”  He said, ignoring my correction.

“I’m awfully glad you asked me that, Lloyd (his name tag said Lloyd).  ‘Cause I just happen to have two $20’s and two $10’s right here in my wallet.  I was afraid they were gonna be there till next April.  So here’s what.  You slip me a bottle of bourbon, a little glass, and some ice.”  I said.  Then I looked behind me and remembered I was with people.  “Oh, and 6 more glasses too.  You can do that, can’t you Lloyd?  Not too busy, are ya?  Heh heh heh heh.”

“No sir, not busy at all,” he said, smirking.

“Good man!”  I said enthusiastically.  “You set em up and I’ll knock em back, Lloyd, one by one.”  He set the glasses on the bar and started pouring.  I said “White man’s burden, Lloyd, my man.  White man’s burden.”  My team was looking at me kind of funny at this point.  I opened my wallet and realized I’d already spent my money on a kick-ass mummy action figure at the gift shop.  “Say lloyd…it seems I’m temporarily light,” I said, hoping to alleviate the situation.  “How’s my credit in this joint, anyway?”

“Oh,” he said, “I’m afraid now we’re gonna have to kick your ass.”  He lept over the bar and we all jumped back as he started displaying some sweet ass moves with a large, Thor-like hammer.

“Stand back guys.  I got this,” I said smugly.  What ensued was at once an ugly fight and a beautiful dance between two fighting masters.  Strange thing was we kept talking.  I don’t know what the hell it was about or who said what, but it went something like, “How are things going, Mr. Torrance?  Things could be better Lloyd.  Things could be a whole lot better,” I jumped into his spin-kick and he knocked me into a wall,  “I hope it’s nothing serious.  No.  Nothing serious.  Just a little problem with the, uh…old sperm bank upstairs.  Nothing I can’t handle, though.  Thanks.”  I threw a throwing knife into his arm and he roared at the ceiling as he charged me, “Women.  Can’t live with them.  Can’t live without them.  Words of wisdom, Lloyd.  Words of…wisdom.”

The fight ended kind of strangely.  He got hold of an ax and I ran out of the bar and into a hedge maze (not sure what a hedge maze was doing in the desert).  He chased after me and then it started snowing.  After a few hours I got outta there.  I never did see him come out.  Someone should probably check to see if he’s alright.

That was all on Sunday.  A lot has happened since then, let me tell you.  And our two competing excavation teams haven’t even started digging yet.  Let’s just say “Philip the Fair’s” team has had some…trouble.  Heh heh heh.

Stock tip of the day: buy Toyota.  Monteclaire out.

Big Mistake

Probably one of the largest mistakes Gloria makes is no links.  Not one.

Mistake #2-  No Links

Again, common sense.  Not only does he not link.  In every post he tells you about Gold and Blue and Gray and Fantastic Benefits. Then says to click the HOME link in the menu on the right.  Apparently he doesn’t realize that, for example, I could say “Check out the new Gold and Blue and Gray update.” And voila.  You click it, you’re there.  I know all of you know this.  This is more for Gloria’s sake and to ridicule him.  That link works by the way.  There’s a new update.

I suppose telling of the Luxurious Border Patrol wouldn’t hurt.  They look strikingly similar to those police robots from THX 1138:

They have all sorts of tools for patrolling this land.  I suppose Gloria might call these tools “kinky.”  They do tend to be on the erotic side.  Not 100% sure why.  You could probably picture it if I leave it at that.  You don’t want to be pulled over by them.  In fact my old rival J.F. Armorby had a bad experience with these fellows just last June.

He had been sending his corporate thugs to try and sneak over here and find a way in for him.  He decided after numerous failed attempts that he could do it himself.  Oh ho, he was mistaken.   I won’t detail his humiliation.  I will tell you that golden dildos may have been involved.  It’s also Luxurious Border Patrol policy to use these tools only once.  The subdued suspect is forced to supply the cash for new ones.  You see now, of course, why I don’t mind telling you about the Luxurious Side.  You’d never try to get there on threat of horrible and quite expensive anal penetration.  Monteclaire out.

Tales from the Luxurious Side

Gloria tries hard.  He does.  But he has much to learn.  Take these titles I’ve been using for example.  Gloria has been steadily using titles such as “5:00 AM to 5:16 AM.” That is informative and very telling when it comes to his typing speed.  But it certainly isn’t eye-catching.  My title isn’t very creative.  But I never claimed to be.  I am very good at pointing out others’ faults, however.  This begins my week-long explaining of the mistakes Gloria has been making with this blog.

Mistake 1-  Has No Catchy Titles

This is really common sense.  I happen to know he carries around a Moleskine notebook.  In it he jots down ridiculous, non sequitur titles to amuse himself.  I find his whole approach to creativity lacking.  But I digress.

Enough about him.  Let’s talk about me.  I’ve received many letters via my actual blog.  Sorry, it’s only accessible in my side of reality.  These letters are from the cream of the crop and have many important questions in them.  I don’t answer them because I’m not needy.  But I will answer them  here where they can’t read them because I’m a bastard like that.

If you are too lazy to click that, the basic tone of the letter is threefold:

1)My grandpa’s a liar

2)I’m whiny and needy

3)I want your money

You think me heartless?  Well the P.S. on that letter that I have ripped off paints a better picture.

PS.  Can you give me money for a plane ticket over there?  I’ve heard so much about the Luxurious Side. I just can’t afford it.  Oh, I’m going to need your address and the password for the Border Patrol.  Thanks!

If you’re still not getting it I’ll tell you straight.  My old business rival who never made it this far, one J.F. Armorby, is the actual writer of that letter.  He has been trying to get his scheming self into my side of reality ever since my business merger one-upped his.  All he needs is the password to get past border control.  Oh.  I’m getting ahead of myself.  You don’t know much about the Luxurious Side, do you?  Well, the original point of showing you the letter is that I’m much smarter than you.  I’ll fill you in on the rest shortly.  Why would I do that?  Give up details on this magical plane so readily?  Why, for the simple fact that you could never make it here even if you tried.  So there’s no harm.

Oh, Gloria said to

“watch out for a new Gold and Blue and Gray update and more details on my seedy bar fight tomorrow.  The bar’s seedy.  Not the fight.  Well, it got a little seedy later on.  Anyways, stay tuned.”

And that quote there will bring me to another huge mistake Gloria makes with this blog.  Monteclaire out.

This is a long one

Yes.  There is a title.  And yes.  It is a penis joke.  Gloria sends his regards.  He says he apologizes for not mentioning this earlier but:

“Egypt is a day behind the USA, so Gold and Blue and Gray and Fantastic Benefits updates are actually updating Saturday night at midnight.  Sorry for the confusion.”

Frankly that sounds suspect.  I promised Gloria I wouldn’t post until he updated, though.  So I’m posting now.  You may have many questions for me.  Am I rich?  Do I live in a fabled land called the Luxurious Side, as Gloria mentioned?  Do I even exist?  All these questions and more will be answered.  Next week.  For now here’s the post Gloria has already prepared:

By now I suppose Isabald mentioned the time difference.  Again, sorry for any confusion.  But let me tell you, this latest update is worth the wait. I mean, speaking from my own point of view.  This shit took a long time. The Fanastic Benefits update, that is.  But because you’ve been so patient, I’m gonna post some of my favorite panels from it.

Just to name a few.  And this is the prologue.  I haven’t even gotten to the intro yet. I’m telling you, this is some good shit.  I won’t post Gold and Blue and Gray, cause then why would you check it on the site?

Ah fuck it:

Oh, uh, some of this is NSFW, by the way.  Seriously, it is fucking hot over here FYI.  I hope Isabald is enlightening and entertaining over the coming two weeks.  Watch out.  He’s got a fucking mouth on him.  I can’t wait to update you on what’s going on.  I mean, not much has yet.  I got drunk at the Egyptian bar and a fight broke out.  But you don’t want to hear about that.  You do?  Alright.  Tell you what, a few snapshots were taken by my buddy Flint Chesthair (same name as my former one, small world huh?).  I’ll send it to Isabald Monday.  Oh, so that would be Tuesday there.  Gotta keep on top o’ that.  Anyways, soon as the digging starts I’m sure the shenanigans will as well.  Look out for all the crazy details comin’ your way.  And seriously, check out Fantastic Benefits. Personally I think Jeff’s kind of hot.  Like a big snuggly teddy bear.  But I digress.

I don’t know what you see in that guy.  I could tell you stories.  And I will.  Next week.  Monteclaire out.

Title

Hello.  My name’s Isabald Monteclaire.  I’m doing this as a favor to Gloria.  He left sometime this morning.  He made the post already.  Here it is:

4:23 AM to 4:50 AM

Forgive any typoszz we’re ina caravann and ti’s really bujmpy .  Ii actuallly left  around midnight last…oh good, we stopped…last night and we’ve already arrived in Egypt (we rode in a small plane, trust me it’s faster).  For anyone not sure what I’m talking about or why Isabald introduced this blog, quick rundown:

in 1983 I was a part of an excavation in Egypt searching for a lost treasure.  My team was racing to find it against another excavation team, headed by Philip IV of France.  The treasure was never found, and now both our teams are headed to Egypt to be the first to find, once and for all, the missing…well, I’ll tell you what it is when my team finds it (more details and pictures in a few blogs down).

Philip gathered some shady characters for his team this time around.  I, on the other hand, believe in fair play.  Nah, I’m just kidding.  I brought the horny ghost from my attic with me.  He can go through fucking walls and shit.  Seriously.  He walks in on me in the bathroom all the time.  Him and my old team from back in the day with me leading?  We’re gonna kick so much ass.  I’ll have lots of pictures and stuff over the next two weeks.  Isabald will post them when I send them, mostly because I promised him he can have the blog every Wednesday when I get back to..I don’t know, get things off his chest I guess.  It’s not easy being a rich bastard these days.  Anyways, the caaravan’s sttarting baack up now.  Oh, I alm ost frogot, Gold andn jBlue and Gray and Fantasstic Benefits are going to update midnight-ish tonight.  Isabald ssshould postt something gtto go along withh  it .    God damn itt it’s hott.

Look forward to talking with you all.  Monteclaire out.